A Labyrinth Parody
From the filthy brain of Zippy

Opening Credits
[A really crappy CG owl wooshes around a maze of mirrors and bubbles and whatnot. For some reason it’s one of my favorite parts of the movie.]

Some Park or Something
[The really crappy CG owl turns into an actual owl and perches on a concrete thingamajig just in time to watch Sarah scamper up in a dinky princess costume.]

SARAH: Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to set up my monologue at the end where you all will be all “Oh yeah, she said that at the beginning! Now it all makes sense!”

MERLIN: Arf. (Translation: My big fluffy ass it does.)

SARAH: *looks at a clock tower* El gasp! It’s seven O clock!

MERLIN: Arf. (Translation: We’ll miss the beginning of Grey’s Anatomy!)

[Sarah and Merlin hightail it outta there and run through their little township in the rain while my main man David Bowie goes to Soundtracktown all over the place.]

Sarah’s House, front porch
[Sarah runs up and is met by Coiffzilla…I mean, her stepmother, who for reasons unknown is called Karen by all of the fandom even though her name is never mentioned in the movie.]

SARAH: *wails* It’s not fair!

KAREN: Oh yeah, you’ve got to come home and babysit your brother instead of wandering around the park in a dinky princess costume, acting out scenes from some book you’re reading. I feel so bad for you.

SARAH: OMG I hate you you’re so mean and you don’t understand my passionate artistic nature!

KAREN: Less whiney, more babysitty.

SARAH: I hate j00!

KAREN: You should be going on dates with boys.

SARAH: Your face!

SARAH’S DAD: *walks in holding Toby, the baby brother* Hey kiddo, I was so worried about you. You didn’t get lost, or catch the dreaded influenza out in the rain did you?

SARAH: I hate you all! *storms off*

KAREN: You ever think to yourself ‘Wow, my DNA is in that’ ?

SARAH’S DAD: I’ll talk to her.

Sarah’s Room
[…is full of stuffed animals and faerie tale books. The camera briefly stops on a scrapbook open to a page full of photos of Sarah’s mom and a guy who looks suspiciously similar to my main man David Bowie. Hmmmm.]

SARAH: *is at her mirror, putting on lipstick and reciting the speech again*

SARAH’S DAD: *knockknock* Hey honey, can we talk?

SARAH: *pitches her tiara across the room* SUCK IT!

SARAH’S DAD: Well, okay sugarpops. I’ve got to go, we’ll be home around midnight. I’ve already put Toby to bed, smell ya later.

SARAH: *sniffle* Nobody loves me.

[Sarah flops onto her bed, only to notice something is amiss. One of her teddy bears is missing! Ohnoes!]

SARAH: *evil face* Someone has been in my room!

Teh Nursery
[Toby is in his crib, shrieking like a car alarm. The oh-so-important teddy bear is on the floor, for Sarah to find when she suddenly bursts in.]

SARAH: Launcelot! *grabs teddy bear*

TOBY: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAHHHAAAHHEEEEEEEEEEEAA AAAAAH!

ZIPPY: My god, that is an ugly baby.

SARAH: I hate everyone! Somebody take me away from this horrible place!

TOBY: AAAAAAAEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!

SARAH: *creepy sadistic voice* You wanna hear a story?

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING: *thund and lightn ominously*

SARAH: Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl, who’s stepmom was a bitch and who’s stepbrother was whiny self-absorbed ass monkey. But what no one knew was that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with the girl…

JARETH: *off-screen* What?

SARAH: And that he had given her special powers! Any old time she wanted, she could call on the goblins to take her brother away!

NEST OF GOBLINS IN SOME UNSEEN LOCATION WHO SEEM TO BE ABLE TO SEE AND HEAR EVERYTHING GOING ON: Hey now!

SARAH: But the beautiful young girl was all “No, I mustn’t!” because she was that kind of nice, decent, person. But then one day her bitchy stepmom had been especially bitchy so she was all “Screw it!”

NEST OF GOBLINS: Ooooh, she’s gonna say it!

SARAH: *grabs Toby and holds him up like Rafiki* Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mind far away from me!

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING: Crescendo!

NEST OF GOBLINS: What? Lame.

TOBY: WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

SARAH: *sigh* Everybody sucks. I wish I really did know the words to make you disappear.

ZIPPY: “I have no idea how the Draino got in my little brother’s bottle, Officer…”

RANDOM GOBLIN #1: “I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now!” Is that so hard? Why do humans think that just because we’re magical we all talk like flamboyant weirdos?

RANDOM GOBLIN #2: Have you met our King?

RANDOM GOBLIN #1: Oh yeah…

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING: *especially ominous crash*

SARAH: I wish…

TOBY: WAAAAAH!

SARAH: *plunks Toby into his crib and walks to the door, where she turns on him disgustedly.* I wish the goblins would come and take you away, right now.

[Sarah turns the lights off and goes into the hall. Toby’s inhuman screaming stops abruptly, and Sarah looks bewildered and goes back in.]

SARAH: Toby? *flicks the light switch up and down, but of course it doesn’t work* Why are you being uncharacteristically quiet and well-behaved?

TOBY’S BLANKET: *really creepy twitching*

SARAH: *slowly and supensefully approaches the crib and pulls back the blanket.*

TOBY: *ain’t there*

SARAH: Oh shit.

PECULIAR HAIRY THINGS: *dart around out of Sarah’s line of vision and giggle*

THE OWL FROM BEFORE: *goes nuts flapping and scratching at the window*

SARAH: *freaks out*

[The window flies open and the owl wooshes in and starts flapping around Sarah’s head like a loony. Sarah, understandably, flings her arms up to shield her face.]

DAVID-BOWIE-SHAPED SHADOW ON THE FLOOR: *ominously looms towards Sarah*

SARAH: *lowers arms* What…the…?

JARETH: *stands framed by the windows, cloak a-flutter, in all his sparkly glory*

CLOUDS OF GLITTER: *twinke**sparkle**shimmer*

SARAH: Ho…lee…crap. It’s the Drag Queen of Doom.

JARETH: You know you love it.

SARAH: You’re him, aren’t you? You’re the Goblin King!

JARETH: *adorable little head-tilt*

ZIPPY: SQUEE! ^__^

SARAH: *sudden change of heart* Can I have my brother back? Pretty please?

JARETH: Nope.

SARAH: Pleeeeeeeease?

JARETH: No. You already wished him away, nothing I can do. Go back to your room and play with your toys and your costumes. I’ll be in shortly.

SARAH: Listen, pal. I really do appreciate the whole kidnapping-the-bane-of-my-existence thing, but when Dad and Karen get home I will be in mondo trouble and probably end up in juvie. So make with the kid.

JARETH: I brought you a gift. *pulls a crystal ball out of thin air*

SARAH: Oooh, shiny…

JARETH: It’s a crystal, nothing more. *starts doing some insane juggling* But it’s super special and will show you your dreams. But it is not a gift for an ordinary girl who lets her bitchy stepmother push her around. So forget the kid, kay?

SARAH: HmmmmmmmNO. Give him back right now.

JARETH: *randomly flings a snake at her*

SARAH: AAAAH!

JARETH: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

SARAH: Yes, yes, your magic tricks are delightful. Where the hell is my brother?

JARETH: He’s there…*points out the window*

SARAH: What, in the back yard?

JARETH: No, he’s at my castle.

SARAH:...and your castle is in my back yard?

JARETH: No.

[The camera pans to, not Sarah’s back yard as you may think, but a big huge gigantic enormous labyrinth with the tiny little castle-shaped dot in the middle.]

Some Windy Hilltop

SARAH: Toto, I don’t think we’re in…wherever the hell we were…anymore.

JARETH: *totally sneaks up behind Sarah* A bit early in the relationship for pet names, don’t you think?

SARAH: EEP!

JARETH: See that Labyrinth there? See how very very big and complicated it is?

SARAH: Yeah…I’d still like to have my brother back, though.

JARETH: You have thirteen hours. *points at a really awesome thirteen-hour clock* Then your baby brother will become one of us foreverrrrr…*disappears* Sucks to be you.

SARAH: Oh well. Let’s do it to it. *skips merrily down the hill*

Some Garden Outside the Labyrinth
[Sarah skips merrily in to come across a dwarf or gnome or whatever, whizzing into a pond.]

SARAH:…Excuse me?

HOGGLE: Excuse me! *leaps around* Oh… it’s you.

SARAH: Where’s the door to the Labyrinth?

HOGGLE: *shrug* Maybe I know…and maybe I don’t. *bounces off*

SARAH: *follows* Do you?

HOGGLE: *Goes all Terminator on a bunch of faeries with a spray can* Hasta la vista, faerie!

SARAH: OMGWTF you suck! *scoops up the poor injured faerie*

POOR INJURED FAERIE: CHOMP!

SARAH: OUCH! It bit me!

HOGGLE: lol

SARAH: Just tell me how to get into the Labyrinth before I beat the living hell out of you.

HOGGLE: Right there *points to a door that was so not there a second ago*

SARAH:…Okay then. *enters*

Inside the Labyyrinth
[…it is very glittery. No seriously, extremely glittery. There’s glitter on everything. The walls, the ground, the rocks, the nasty dead trees, ect.]

SARAH: *temporarily blinded*

HOGGLE: So, which way you goin?

SARAH: Which way would you go?

HOGGLE: I wouldn’t go either way.

SARAH: Thanks for being useless.

HOGGLE: *wanders off*

SARAH: *begins her trek with extremely 80’s music a-go-go*

LICHEN: *stares*

[And so our heroine sets off! Only trouble is, the “Labyrinth” doesn’t appear to have any turns or whatnot, and just goes on and on in a straight line. Sarah keeps on truckin’ though. If it were me, I’d get frustrated.]

SARAH: *runs screaming like a ninny and then throws a huge temper fit like a two-year-old and starts kicking the walls*

[Way to keep your head, kiddo!]

SARAH: *slumps against a wall* Man, even in my deranged fantasyland everything sucks!

SOME ADORABLE FUZZY BLUE WORM: Allo!

SARAH: *stare*

WORM: How you doin?

SARAH: Sucky. I have to solve the Labyrinth, but there aren’t any turns! It’s like a huge cattle run!

WORM: There’s an opening right there. *nods to the right*

SARAH: *stare* …That’s a solid wall.

WORM: No it isn’t.

SARAH: Well, okay. *walks through the wall* Neato! *turns to walk left*

WORM: Don’t go that way!

SARAH:…Okay, whatever. *heads off in the other direction*

WORM: If she’d kept going that way, she’d have ended up at that awful castle.

ZIPPY: *headdesk*

The Castle
[Poor Toby sits shrieking in the throne room, surrounded by goblins and shit. It is very dirty and chaotic. Imagine a high school cafeteria, except all of the teenagers have horns and whatnot. Jareth sits sprawled on the throne, looking kind of annoyed and holding a riding crop for some odd reason.]

ZIPPY:…Nah, too easy.

JARETH: I’m bored…time for a sing along!

GOBLINS: w00t!

SINGING AND FROLICKING: *ensue*

TOBY: Dear God, please don’t let this be my first memory…

In the Labyrinth
[Sarah wanders around, marking her path with a lipstick. But as soon as her back is turned, weird little men creep out from under the bricks and flip them around. Nothing much else is happening, let’s go back to the sing along!]

The Castle

JARETH: *flings Toby up in the air like a Frisbee*

TOBY: Dude, this guy is frigging daffy!

In the Labyrinth
[Sarah finally notices the little brick guys messing up her signs, and she is pissed.]

SARAH: GRAAAAAH! IT’S NOT FAIR!

CRAZY SHEILD-BEARING DOG CREATURE #1: That’s right, it’s not fair!

3 OTHER CRAZY SHEILD-BEARING DOG CREATURES: lol

SARAH: WTF?

[Mkay, to save space I’ll just call the crazy shield-bearing dog creatures by the nicknames they had in the novel. Pair 1 are Jim and Tim, and pair 2 are Rob and Bob.]

ROB: This is a fantasy movie, and we’ve gone far too long without a riddle.

JIM: So these two nuns were driving down a deserted country road at night, when suddenly a vampire leaps onto their windshield-

TIM: That’s a joke, you fool, not a riddle!

JIM: Wait, it’s a really good joke! So anyway, the vampire’s hissing and growling and so on, and one of the nuns yells to the other one “Quick! Show him your cross!” and then the other nun sticks her head out of the window and yells “GET OFF OUR FUCKING WINDSHEILD!”

TIM, ROB, & BOB: lol!

SARAH: Okay, y’all are idiots. *goes through the door on the right and immediately falls through a trapdoor into a screaming pit of doom*

The Screaming Pit of Doom
[…is filled with gross, corpsey hands sticking out of the walls. Ew.]

GROSS CORPSEY HANDS: *catch Sarah* You wanna go up or down?

SARAH: I guess down would move the story along a lot quicker…

GROSS CORPSEY HANDS: *drop Sarah into yet another hole*

SARAH: Dang.

The Castle

JARETH: *watches Sarah’s every move in a crystal* She’s in the Oubliette.

SURROUNDING GOBLINS: lmao!

JARETH:  Shut up. This is serious bidness, she shouldn’t have gotten that far. But I have an evil plot in mind…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

RANDOM GOBLIN: Do we laugh now?

JARETH: Yes.

The Oubliette

HOGGLE: *lights a candle* Hey, baby.

SARAH: How did you get in here?

HOGGLE:…Ways.

ZIPPY: My God, even the Oubliette is glittery!

SARAH: Hey, I’ll trade you this cheap plastic bracelet if you help me blow this joint.

HOGGLE: *plasticgasm* You got yourself a deal!

[So Hoggle reveals yet another secret door…and away they go!]

Some Underground Part of the Labyrinth

BIG CREEPY ROCK FACE #1: Go back!

BIG CREEPY ROCK FACE #2: You are headed for certain doom!

BIG CREEPY ROCK FACE #3: George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people!

ZIPPY: George W. Bush doesn’t care about any people.

[Suddenly a crystal ball rolls down the path ahead of Sarah and Hoggle, leading them to a creepy looking beggar or whatever.]

CREEPY LOOKING BEGGAR OR WHATEVER: What have we here?

HOGGLE: Um, nothing.

JARETH: *rips off creepy beggar costume to stand resplendent in a leather jacket and tights. Tight tights.*

ZIPPY: Jesus knows what you’re looking at!

HOGGLE: Ooh, I am in trouble aren’t I?

JARETH: Very much so. You don’t just go disobeying people and ruining their evil plots! I spent many many minutes thinking of it and I was very proud of it, and now you’ve gone and ruined it!

HOGGLE: *grovels like an idiot*

JARETH: Anyway…*invades Sarah’s personal space* How are you enjoying my Labyrinth?

SARAH: It’s a piece of cake!

HOGGLE: Hoshityoushouldn’thavesaidthat…

JARETH: Fair enough. *makes the awesome clock appear again and runs it forward*

SARAH: That’s not fair! Also, it’s probably not very good for the clock…

JARETH: Kid, get yourself a new catch phrase. *strikes an imposing(ish) pose* So the Labyrinth is a piece of cake, is it? Let’s see how you enjoy this little slice.

ZIPPY: I love that line.

[Jareth makes another crystal appear out of nowhere (though I’m starting to suspect he’s been hiding them in his tights) and flings it down the tunnel. He disappears just as it turns into a giant wall-of-knives-on-wheels-thing and attacks our heroes!]

HOGGLE: THE CLEANERS!

SARAH: Ooh, dark humor!

SARAH & HOGGLE: *flee!*

THE CLEANERS: *persue!*

SARAH & HOGGLE: *continue to flee!*

THE CLEANERS: *swish**shwing**stab**slice**flay*

[It looks like our heroes are about to escape, then they come across an extremely inconvenient gate. Oh no! But then Sarah finds an extremely convenient metal plate, pushes it, and it collapses into another chamber just as the Cleaners pass by. Wow, that was convenient. Jareth, you rascal! Anyway, Sarah and Hoggle find a ladder leading up out of the chamber, so of course they climb it, and emerge into a Wonderland-esque hedge maze.]

The Hedge Maze

HOGGLE: Well, toodles.

SARAH: OMGWTF You said you’d help me!

HOGGLE: Suddenly I don’t want to anymore.

SARAH: Why?!

HOGGLE: Personally, I don’t want to mess with the sort of guy who can manage to look scary in eyeshadow.

SARAH: *snatches Hoggle’s purse* Ha ha!

HOGGLE: *freaks out* GIMME MAH JEWELS BETCH!

SARAH: Not unless you promise to help me!

HOGGLE: IT’S NOT FA-

JARETH: *off screen* The next person who utters that phrase will be turned into a rutabaga and I am NOT kidding!

SARAH: *dawning realization* That’s right, life isn’t fair. I totally get it now.

[The scuffle is interrupted when a massive ball of lint with eyeballs…I mean, The Wise Man, shuffles by and climbs onto a throne. And what do you do with strangers in fantasy stories? You go talk to them, of course. Did I mention he’s wearing a chicken hat?]

SARAH: Hey, you! Yeah you! With the face!

WISE MAN: *grumble**mumble**snore*

SARAH: How do I get to the center of the Labyrinth?

WISE MAN: Sometimes the way forward is actually the way baaaack…

SARAH: Excuse me?

THE HAT: There’s your advice, Princess. Pay up.

SARAH: Oh fine. *gives them a totally random ring*

[So the superfluous Wise Man falls asleep again while Sarah and Hoggle meander off. This scene was kind of pointless.]

Elsewhere in the Hedge Maze

HOGGLE AND SARAH: *meander*

SARAH: Hoggle, you are my friend.

HOGGLE: With benefits?

SARAH: God, no!

SOMETHING OFFSCREEN: GRAAAAAAAAAH!

HOGGLE: Okay, I draw the line at disembodied roars. Later, bitch! *flees*

SARAH: YOU COWARD!

[So Sarah continues on alone to explore the mysterious roaring. She happens upon a bunch of goblins, holding peculiar weapons which are essentially fanged fetuses attached to sticks, and attacking a furry orange creature they have tied up. Aforementioned creature basically looks like a combination between a pekingese and a gorilla.]

RANDOM GOBLIN: Bite him in the teriyaki!

ZIPPY: XD

SARAH: Ohnoes! Animal cruelty!

ROCK: Rollin’ rollin’ rollin’…

SARAH: *grabs rock and pitches it at the goblins*

GOBLINS: *flee*

FANGED FETUSES: *chomp chomp!*

LUDO: Graaaaah?

SARAH: *unties* You wouldn’t know how to get the center of the Labyrinth, would ya?

LUDO: Grah.

SARAH: Oh well. I guess now you can be my friend!

LUDO: Graah?

SARAH: God, no!

Elsewhere in the Hedge Maze
[Sarah and Ludo come upon two doors, each with a funny little face-shaped knocker.]

SARAH: So which door should we take?

LUDO: Grah.

KNOCKER #1: Don’t stare at me, betch!

KNOCKER #2: Mmmf!

SARAH: *removes ring from Knocker #2’s mouth* Beg pardon?

KNOCKER #2: I say you should go through my door!

SARAH: How do I do that?

KNOCKER #2: Knock!

SARAH: Okay, I’ll just put this ring back in-

KNOCKER #2: No way.

SARAH: Waaa…?

KNOCKER #2: I don’t want that icky ring back in my mouth!

SARAH: Tough crackers. *crams the ring into his mouth, knocks, then enters.*

A Dark and Very Glittery Forest
[Sarah and Ludo wander aimlessly through the (glittery) trees.]

LUDO: Grah…

SARAH: Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be afraid of!

LUDO: *vanishes without a trace*

SARAH:…Crap.

Elsewhere in the Dark and Very Glittery Forest
[Hoggle wanders past a really cool rock formation shaped like a face, then hears Sarah’s desperate pleas for help.]

HOGGLE: Here I come to save the daaaay! * makes to scamper off*

JARETH: Howdy.

HOGGLE:…Crap.

JARETH: Not going to help whatsherface after I specifically ordered you not to, eh?

HOGGLE: Why of course not!

JARETH: Super.

HOGGLE: I’m just going to go get her and lead her back to the beginning of the Labyrinth, like you said.

JARETH: Have you noticed your jewels are missing?

HOGGLE: Er…

JARETH: Hey, I just had a thought! Give her this. *flings a crystal*

HOGGLE: *catches a peach* Er…what’ll this do?

JARETH: Oh, nothing! It certainly isn’t heavily laced with LSD or anything…

HOGGLE: Oh, good. Cause I’d have a problem if it was.

JARETH: *huuuuge smirk* You like her.

HOGGLE: Nuh-uh!

JARETH: Tell you what, if she ever kisses you I’ll turn you into a prince.

HOGGLE: Oh, I just know there’s a catch…

JARETH: Prince of the Land of Stench! *cackle*

HOGGLE: Bingo.

Elsewhere in the Dark and Very Glittery Forest

SARAH: *wanders aimlessly* Ludo? Where you at?

CREEPY ORANGE CREATURE: *leaps out* OOGLY BOOGLY BOO!

SARAH: EEP!

[More creepy orange creatures, the Fireys, leap out. One starts a fire, and they enthusiastically begin the next musical number! It’s all great fun until they start dismembering themselves.]

FIREY LIMBS: *flying all over the place*

SARAH: *really freaked out*

FIREY #1: *grabs Sarah* Hey, her head don’t come off!

SARAH: Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty Firey!

FIREY #2: Hey, I know what’ll be fun! Let’s take off her head!

OTHER FIREYS: Yay!

SARAH: SPARTAAAAAA! *beheads all the Fireys and flees*

FIREYS: *give chase*

SARAH: *continues to flee*

FIREYS: Come on, we just wanna behead you! Be cool!

SARAH: *hits a dead end* Ohnoes!

DEUX EX MACHINA: *falls from the sky*

SARAH: OMG! It’s Hoggle! With a rope!

HOGGLE: Hurry and climb up even though I cannot possibly support your weight!

SARAH: *does so*

On Some Wall
[Sarah climbs up to find everyone’s favorite yellow-bellied potato man.]

SARAH: You saved me! Huzzah! *grabs*

HOGGLE: NO MEANS NO!

SARAH: *smoochy*

MYSTERIOUS TRAPDOOR: *opens right underneath our heroes*

SARAH & HOGGLE: *plummet*

The Bog of Eternal Stench
[…is super gross. It is gross-looking, gross-sounding, and from the name we can deduce that it is extremely gross-smelling.]

SARAH & HOGGLE: *conveniently catch themselves before falling into the nasty water*

THE BOG: *fart**squelch**splatter*

SARAH: *makes the Icky Face* Oh…my…God. It’s like a diaper full of Indian food!

HOGGLE: Did I mention that if a single drop of it touches you, you’ll smell like that for the rest of your life?

SARAH: Man, Jareth is a bastard.

[Sarah and Hoggle edge along the wall and try to keep from falling into the bog.]

HOGGLE: This is entirely your fault. Why the hell would you kiss me?

SARAH: Because you are my friend.

HOGGLE: W-

SARAH: NO.

THE BOG: *blurble**splat**brrrrap*

[But suddenly, the rocks fall right out from under our heroes and they fall…right onto Ludo.]

LUDO: Grah?

HOGGLE: Okay, how the hell did he even get here?

SARAH: Who cares? It’s convenient.

LUDO: Grah!

SARAH: Hey! A bridge!

WEIRD LITTLE SQUIRREL CREATURE WITH AN EYEPATCH: Halt! I am Sir Didymus and none may cross without my permission!

HOGGLE: Oh, for the love of pete! *attacks*

SIR DIDYMUS: *vanquishes*

LUDO: *attacks also*

HOGGLE: *scampers across the bridge while Ludo and Sir Didymus have a hilarious battle*

SARAH: Hoggle! You underhanded, sneaky-

HOGGLE: Stop trying to change me, woman!

SIR DIDYMUS: That battle sure was hilarious! Truce?

LUDO: Grah!

SARAH: Alrighty then, now we can cross!

SIR DIDYMUS: No way, chiclet! No one can cross without my permission!

SARAH:…Can we have your permission?

SIR DIDYMUS:…Yes.

SARAH: Super. *crosses*

BRIDGE: *collapses*

SARAH: *grabs a tree branch and dangles helplessly* AAAAAAH!

SIR DIDYMUS: Wow, this sure is reflecting poorly on my bridgekeeping skills.

LUDO: GRAAAAAAAAAAAH!

SIR DIDYMUS: Really now, screaming won’t solve anything!

BUNCH OF BOULDERS: *roll into the bog and form a new bridge*

SIR DIDYMUS: Whaddaya know, screaming solved everything!

[So our merry band, now including Sir Didymus and his steed, a sheepdog named Ambrosius who is identical to Merlin, (oh, Merlin Ambrosius! I get it!) make their way through the bog and continue on through the very dark and glittery forest.]

HOGGLE: *pauses and stares at the peach* Angst!

The Castle
[Jareth is holding Toby and both are watching Sarah’s progress in the crystal]

JARETH: Awfully eager to get you back, isn’t she kiddo?

TOBY: *gurgle**giggle**squeak**baby noise*

JARETH: She’ll forget all about you, if Hoggle doesn’t screw up my second evil plot. Bwahahahahahaha!

ZIPPY: Why does he want that kid so badly anyway? It’s not even cute!

The Dark and Very Glittery Forest

LUDO: GRAAAH.

SARAH: I’m hungry too!

HOGGLE: Hey…here’s a peach…

SARAH: *snatches* Awesome! Where’d you get it?

HOGGLE: Er…I found it? Jareth didn’t give it to me, if that’s what you’re thinking!

SARAH: *chomp*

HOGGLE: *wince*

SARAH:…I feel funny.

HOGGLE: Angst! *flee*

SARAH: *staggers around, tripping out* Ooh…pretty colors…

The Castle
[Jareth sits by the window, playing with his balls. Crystal balls, you perverts!]

JARETH: *awesome juggling action*

ZIPPY: God, how many costume changes do you have in this movie?

JARETH: Only eight!

[Anywho, Jareth blows the crystals out the window where they float off into the sunset like bubbles. Woo.]

Back in the Dark and Very Glittery Forest

SARAH: *slumped on the ground* Druuuuuugs…

CRYSTALS AND/OR BUBBLES: *float around Sarah’s head*

SARAH: *hallucinates like there’s no tomorrow*

The Crystal Ballroom
[Picture a Venetian masquerade on very sparkly drugs. People cavort about in goblin-y masks and gowns, dance, canoodle in the shadows, whatever. Sarah walks in, looking fa-bu-lous. Her dress is huge and puffy and white and, oh yes, glittery. She has a really neat headdress too.]

JARETH: *resplendent in a (glittery) blue tailcoat* Commence the cheesy 80’s pop ballad!

CHEESY 80’S POP BALLAD: Love and moonlight and jewels and sparkles and stars and loooooove!

[This is my favorite scene in the movie. Sarah wanders around the ballroom, glimpsing Jareth and searching for him, but he keeps disappearing and reappearing with a different set of buxom women draped all over him each time.]

JARETH: *walks by*

SOME LADY: She’s too young for you!

ZIPPY: No really, that’s what she’s mouthing! I read it on a trivia site.

[Finally, Sarah tracks him down.]

JARETH: *stare*

SARAH: *stare*

JARETH: *detaches himself from the buxom women*

SARAH: *stare* Are you wearing…lip gloss?

JARETH: Perhaps. *waltzes her brains out*

SARAH: Oooooooh…

ZIPPY: *swoon* Even his cravat is glittery!

[While Sarah and Jareth are dancing, Sarah notices something a little odd. All of the other partygoers are crowded around them, laughing and taunting.]

ZIPPY: Ey, you’re all messing up the romantic scene!

SARAH: *catches sight of the clock. She has only one hour left* Cripes, gotta go!

JARETH: Hey, where’s the fire?

SARAH: *flee*

JARETH: Damn it! I didn’t put blue highlights in my hair just to get rejected!

[Sarah  pitches a chair through the wall of the crystal. It goes kaboom]

SARAH: *plummets through some dark, chandelier-filled vortex and lands in a…junkyard.*

Elsewhere in the Junkyard

HOGGLE: *sits alone by a campfire, angsting*

Else-elsewhere in the Junkyard

SARAH: Waaa…? *stares at the half-eaten peach*

NASTY MAGGOT: Hey, baby!

SARAH: WAAAH! *throws the peach away*

JUNK LADY: SKRAAAAW!

SARAH: Eep!

JUNK LADY: *procures Launcelot* You were looking for this.

SARAH: *has amnesia or something*…Kay.

JUNK LADY: Here’s your room!

SARAH: Ooooo….

JUNK LADY: Here’s all your toys and crap!

SARAH: Waitaminute…I must save Toby!

SARAH’S FAKE JUNK ROOM: *asplodes*

LUDO: Grah!

SARAH: Hey youse guys!

DIDYMUS: The castle’s right up over there, yo!

SARAH:…Jareth put his castle in the middle of a gigantic junkyard?

Le Gates to the Goblin City
[Sarah and Ludo and Didymus slip past the catatonic guard, only to be met by a gigantic axe-weiling robot.]

SARAH: Oh, poot!

GIGANTIC AXE-WEILING ROBOT: I KEEL J00!

OUR HEROES: *try to flee*

GREAT BIG METAL SPIKES: *shoot up out of the ground and block their only path to not-chopped-up-ness*

LUDO: GRAH!

DIDYMUS: *stats yapping crazily like a yorkie on acid*

SARAH: It’s a robot, so we might be able to confuse it with a paradox!

DIDYMUS: If I say it’s opposite day and it actually is, I’m really saying it isn’t opposite day. But if I say it isn’t opposite day and it actually is, then that means it really is opposite day. But how could I tell you it is opposite day if all meanings are opposite and you have absolutely no way of knowing what day it is?

GIGANTIC AXE-WEILDING ROBOT: NO SUCH THING AS OPPOSITE DAY! *chop**slash*

SARAH: *spots Hoggle running along the wall to their rescue* W00T!

HOGGLE: Chuck Norris! *leaps onto the robot, rips of its helmet, and starts wailing on the little goblin working the controls*

SARAH & CO.: Hoorah!

GIGANTIC AXE-WEILDING ROBOT: Beeeeeeoop. *dead*

SARAH: *clings to Hoggle*

HOGGLE: GETOFFLEAVEMEALONEIDON’TNEEDNONEOFYOU!

SARAH: You are our friend!

HOGGLE…Well,okay. With benefits?

LUDO: Graaah...

HOGGLE: Jesus! Never mind!

SARAH: All righty! Let’s go defeat Jareth and save my brother!

ALL: STORM ZE BASTILLE!

The Goblin City
[…is eerily empty and quiet.]

SARAH & CO.: *wander around aimlessly*

Up in the Throne Room

JARETH: *snugs Toby*…and then when you turn fourteen I’ll let you join the tackle football team, and you’ll be really really good at it and everyone’ll be all “Hey, isn’t that Jareth? Yeah, that’s the start quarterback’s dad!” and then-

RANDOM GOBLIN: *runs in* Your Majesty!

JARETH: What?

RANDOM GOLBIN: Remember that chick who you couldn’t seduce even after you pumped her full of LSD?

JARETH: *seethe* Yes.

RANDOM GOBLIN: Yeah well, I just thought I’d mention that she’s made it into the city and is on her way here with a ragtag group of lovable characters, presumably to take back Jareth Jr.

JARETH: *freaks out* ASSEMBLE THE ARMY! GET ALL OF THE POINTY WEAPONS! PREPARE MY JEWEL-ENCRUSTED BATTLE SHORTS!

GOBLINS: *do so*

Back in the Goblin City
[Sarah & Co. pass by what I am pretty sure is (but seriously hope isn’t) a fountain made of sculptures of goblins with gigantic penises, and come upon the front door of the castle.]

NOTHING: *happens*

SARAH: That was suspiciously easy.

HOGGLE: Pshaw! It was a piece of-

SARAH: STOP! Bad stuff happens every time I say that!

HOGGLE: What, that everything is a piece of cake?

GOBLIN ARMY: SPARTAAAAAAA!

SARAH & CO.: AAAAH! *flee*

Le Battle
[So basically, the goblins wreck their entire city trying to pulverize Sarah and the gang, which really wouldn’t have been that difficult if the goblins weren’t all a bunch of retards. This entire scene is kind of stupid and boring, but it’s worth sitting through it because you get to see a few shots of Jareth up in his tower, getting more and more pissed off and embarrassed about how bad his army sucks. Oh, and at one point Sarah yells “Woah Nelly!” and for some odd reason it makes me laugh. Huh. Anyway, eventually Ludo does that screaming thing and, like, a bazillion boulders come in and chase the goblins away, leaving the way clear for our heroes to storm the castle. And that’s what happens.]

Le Throne Room
[…is empty, because all of the goblins are outside getting their asses handed to them. By rocks.]

SARAH: *points to some stairs* That’s the only way he could have gone, even though we’ve seen him teleport all over the place and whatnot! I must face him alone!

DIDYMUS:…Why?

SARAH: Because that’s the way it’s done!

HOGGLE: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

SARAH: Let me rephrase: There will be lots of romantic monologuing and it will be really awkward with you guys there.

DIDYMUS: Ah, gotcha. Well, have fun facing down the charismatic and handsome villain who clearly has the hots for you and no problem whatsoever abusing children.

HOGGLE: Call us if you need anything.

SARAH: I heart you guys. *scurries off*

LUDO, HOGGLE & DIDYMUS: *disappear into the Bleak and Irrelevant Netherworld of Secondary Characters Who Are No Longer Useful for Plot Development*

The Escher Room
[…is a replica of M.C. Escher’s “Relativity”, i.e., a bunch of crazy stairs and archways and whatnot all over the place.]

SARAH: Crap, searching one dimension was hard enough!

UPSIDE-DOWN JARETH: Peekaboo, bitch!

SARAH: Okay, freaky.

SIDEWAYS JARETH: How you doin?

SARAH: Quit it!

DIAGONAL JARETH: Make me.

SARAH: I don’t make monkeys, I just train them!

TOBY: Burn!

SARAH: OMG TOBY!

NORMAL JARETH: *walks through Sarah*

SARAH: Wait…Did we just do it?

[So Sarah and Jareth partake in a freaked-up cat and mouse game through all these intertwining dimensions while Toby crawls around aimlessly. While doing this, Jareth sings a heartwrenching song about how he lurrves Sarah very very much and how bad she treats him. It would be very sad if he hadn’t kept trying to kill her earlier. Sarah finally reaches a spot where she can grab Toby, and all she has to do and jump down about two hundred feet. Still, apparently that ugly screaming goorag is worth totally shattering your ankles, because she jumps. But instead of plummeting to certain bodily harm, she wooshes through some weird swirly purple dimension.]

The Weird Swirly Purple Dimension

SARAH: *lands on her feet, aaaaaall alone. Or is she?*

JARETH: *lurks out from under an archway in my favorite of all his costumes.*

SARAH: Give me the child.

JARETH: Don’t push me, girlie. I’ve been perfectly generous up until now but I’m starting to get royally pissed off…no pun intended.

SARAH: Generous?!

JARETH: Everything you wanted, I have done! You asked for the child to be taken--I took him, you cowered before me—I was frightening. I have reordered time, I have turned the world upside-down, and all I got was this lousy T shirt!

SARAH: Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered-

AUDIENCE: Oh yeah, that was what she was saying in the beginning! This makes total sense!

SARAH: I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours and-

JARETH: Stop! Lookie here…*procures yet another crystal* I know you didn’t want it earlier, but now that you are mere seconds away from utterly defeating me and saving your brother, I just thought you might change your mind and give in to me. How about it?

SARAH: *is relentless, and how!* My kingdom is as great!

JARETH: I’m offering you the chance to be a mystical Queen!

SARAH: *sarcasm* Oh, yay! I get to be queen of a bunch of brainless, amoral warty freaks and live in a stinky chicken-filled castle in the middle of a giant garbage dump!

JARETH:  Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave…

ZIPPY: *swoon*

SARAH: *not swoon, glower* You have no power over me!

JARETH: Ah, shit. *disintegrates*

CRYSTAL: *flies around*

JARETH’S PRETTY ROBES: *woosh all over the place, then turn into an owl*

Sarah’s House
[The owl swoops around Sarah’s head, then flies out the window.]

SARAH: *runs screaming up the stairs*

Teh Nursery

TOBY: *is fast asleep in his crib, despite all of Sarah’s screaming*

SARAH: Awww, I suddenly don’t hate you any more. You can have my teddy bear.

ZIPPY: Whatever. I still say that baby is ugly as hell.

Sarah’s Room
[Our heroine sits at her vanity, cleaning up all of the pictures of her mom and that guy who looks suspiciously like my main man David Bowie.]

LUDO: *appears in the mirror* Come to me, Angel of Music!

SARAH: OMG! You guys escaped from the Bleak and Irrelevant Netherworld of Secondary Characters Who Are No Longer Useful for Plot Development!

DIDYMUS: And we’ve also brought an invaluable loose end that should keep the fanfic writers happy!

HOGGLE: Party up in here!

EVERY SINGLE CREATURE THAT WE SAW PREVIOUSLY IN THE STORY, EVEN THE EVIL ONES: The roof! The roof! The roof is on fiyah!

SARAH: *dances* Let the mutha burn!

[And so Sarah and her imaginary posse party down long into the night. The owl sits on a branch outside Sarah’s window, which is not stalkerish at all, then flies off into the full moon.]

JARETH THE OWL: I am so going to poop on her dad’s car!

FIN